Boyfriend and I had an argument because I cook and clean "too much" - feeling confused

[LeighBee26]

hi all,

Bit of a long (and confusing one) so I'll give some back ground info....

Basically my bf and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We are currently saving to buy a house together. When we first met I was 25 and he was 22. I was just out of uni (and still living a bit like a student) I rarely cooked homemade meals, even though I could cook perfectly well and I'll be honest, I was the type of person who would just buy more knickers if I ran out of clean ones rather than do the washing. I certainly wouldn't change my bedsheets like every week like I do now hahaha.

Anyway, I'm 28 now and a lot more domesticated. I cook lovely food - lasagnes, fish pies, mac and cheese, roasts - all from scratch and I've really gotten into baking as well. I also enjoy keeping my space clean. Love the smell of bleach and changing my bedsheets is a weekly occurance cos I love fresh bedsheets on a Sunday. However, a few days ago my bf and I had a massive argument and he was saying how I've changed and it's got to stop. I asked him how and what it was that had changed, and he said that he found it weird how I had suddenly started acting more like a "mum" I asked him what that meant and he went on to state about the fact I clean a lot more than I used to and how every week the house always has homemade cookies, or cheesecake, or cupcakes and that's the kind of thing middle aged mums do. Firstly, it's not something middle aged mums do; cooking and baking are a hobby, something I'm actually quite good at and enjoy. Cooking and baking is not exclusive to being a Mum! And second, I really don't understand what the problem is?! Would he rather starve, festering in his own filth?

He's said that I've changed so much. I just think I've grown up. I'm beginning to wonder if there's something a little deeper to this than meets the eye? I've asked if everything is okay but he says it's fine. I'm actually really upset about this and don't understand what I've done wrong? We still do things together, so it's not like he's not getting attention because I'm too busy cleaning. I don't fuss at him for making a mess, yes I ask him to pick up after himself, but I don't go crazy if he gets himself a glass of water after I've wiped down the kitchen sides. I just feel a bit sad. I don't even really understand why he acted out the way he did... I'm not even sure how to describe it.

Any opinions would be great...

 

[rachelizabeth]

It's a tough one... there may be an underlying issue here and he's just using the cleaning thing as an excuse to have a pick at you? I'm 21, always keeping the house clean, baking, making the garden look lovely etc. I'm very independent, good at DIY and doing things for myself and you'd think men would love this but I find they are intimidated quite easily! Perhaps you've grown up and he feels he hasn't? Especially if he's a bit younger than you and they say men mature slower than women...whether that's true or not I don't know, every person is different. Do you think he's getting a bit panicked that he's settling down now? Does he have single mates that go out all the time and don't have anyone to answer to? I would just be honest with him and ask what his problem is

 

[LeighBee26]

I have though that maybe he is getting a bit worried about moving in together. And I have asked him and he has said he's ready.

He has mates who are all at different stages in life. One lives with his gf, another has a gf and his doing well in his career but still lives with his parents and others who still think they're 18.

Although I do think men mature slower than women, for sure hahah

 

[jbr]

I guess the feeling he has is that the more you do like that, the greater the expectation is for him to do more and he clearly isn't willing to.

You haven't done anything wrong as such, imo, but he's just not ready for that domesticated, settled life. He still wants fun and a carefree life by the sound of it.

It doesn't mean anything more than you probably need a conversation to ensure you're both on the same page about your future. It's not nice when you want to chill and someone is beavering away around you constantly.

Maybe you're just not on the same page. Maybe its not what you do, but how you do it? It certainly warrants some more conversation.

Hope it all works out xx

 

[attitude]

You said it yourself. You've changed. A couple either grows together or they grow apart. I can understand both your points of view, but if this truly bothers him, you're on different pages, possibly different chapters in life.

 

[jacquelineanna]

You can listen to your heart and likely waste months and years of your life trying to 'make it fit' or you can listen to your gut and make decisions that will increase your chances and opportunities to find a more balanced and equal relationship.
The choice is always yours.
As an aside, If you always remember that many men are at least 10 years behind their actual age it might make life easier for you
Xx