Pre-teen/early teen girls - how much independance do you give them?

[Bagpuss]

I guess everyones views are different, mine are very different to yours kitty but i respect your opinions.

I know whats right and good for MY child, might not be so for another.

My daughter has never slammed a door, she has more respect than that, she doesn't do the whole head wagging Vicky Pollard thing either...:lol:

 

[koolkitty7]

Ooh interesting topic.

I often wonder how I will get on with this in 10 years.

As it is only a few years back for me I remember it vividly.

When I was 13 when I first got my mobile phone, started going into town and wearing makeup (only small amounts). I never had any problems apart from when I was propositioned by a man in Blackpool scared me to death but made me aware of possible dangers.

I hit trouble when I was 16 and did what everyone else was doing drinking smoking etc. Got in with the wrong crowd.

Nothing my mom would say to me would make me stop, it was myself that got myself back on the straight. I was a bad girl for 6 months!!

I wouldn't change anything as it has made me the person I am today, I own my home, have a gorgeous little one and loving partner.

You need to set boundaries but give them a trial run and see how they go,more often than not they will not let you down!

Sorry that was a long one!

 

['chelle]

Think you answered your own question!

And I agree that youn kids should not be hanging around till 9/10pm in the dark, and every kid round here seems to live in my house because my kids have their own living room and sky etc so they can hang out without me being in the room, at least then I know they are safe.

My sister is 11 so I understand its not long before shes off all over the place but luckily at the min she prefers to stay at home. She talks to me already about sex cause her mates are all apparently at it. I have told her to do it when she is ready and all the other bunk. I have also told her when she wants to do that I will get her contraception etc.

Even adults get it wrong and we learn from this kids do the same. Theres only so often you can tell them not to touch the fire until the day they so try it and get burnt!!!

My kids have a certain protection though than most families so I know nothing will happen to them but that dosnt mean I dont care nor worry. But I do allow them to think about their decisions and choices and allow them freedom. It dosnt matter sometimes who you are if people want to take your child or do something to a child its beyond a lot of control, so that control is by keeping children locked in. When them kids are allowed out they often lack the ability to see dangerous situations as they havnt had as much info off their parents.

My 17 an 18 year old niece were allowed to do what they wanted in Salford which is notoriously rough. They have both turned out safe and lovely girls.

Several girls I know whom parents locked them up, 2 are pregnant at 14 and ones a smack head!!! The other two (all friends of younger family members) are so far ok, but have come home on a few occasions high or drunk!

So tough love dosnt pay! And of course your kids going to go off with her friends elsewhere its the jigh of it all, but providing she feels she can tell you and you know where she is and its reasonable time I don;t see the problem!

Hi, like Bagpuss I dont share your views but I respect your opinions and I'm glad you've contributed to the thread. I'm not sure if you've misunderstood me though, I wasnt looking for an answer or questioning my own principles, I just wanted to get a picture of how much independance other people give to their daughters of a similar age, because from what I saw at the cinema on Saturday there are parents out there who give their girls a lot more independance that I give mine. I do agree with you that being too strict can make kids go completely the other way, and like Adele said, with nothing to kick back against there's no need to battle, but I dont think that necessarily means letting them have a level of independance that's inappropriate for their age. I disagree that tough love doesnt work, quite the opposite I think it's essential or you just end up teaching your kids that in order to get what they want, they have to rebel and you will give in to stop them from rebelling. The secret behind getting tough love to work is communication and compromise, ie explain your reasons, make the boundaries clear, and perhaps meet on middle ground where you can (eg no make up, but perhaps allow a little bit on special occasions like a family party).

 

[fifitrix]

This is a great thread and very apt to me as my daughter is almost 12, must have been a power cut almost 12 to13 years ago!:lol:

I am quite lucky I suppose in the fact that my daughter doesn't go out and about that much, yet. I know it is coming and I have let her and her friend go into town after being dropped off and picked up, they were on a mission to get Halloween stuff, not just hanging about and hubby was in town too.

When she is out, and by that I mean near our house, she has to have her phone or she does not go, a lot of her friends are nearby and if it is dark when it is home time either hubby or I go get her from her friend's house.

I personally feel you have to give them trust and also at the same time the rules that they should follow, every kid should have boundaries, if not then I think it is when the "I'll do what the hell I want" attitude comes in. It certainly worked for me with my son who is now 18 .He is a great boy who brings no grief at all to us although last year my hubby accused him of taking drugs and he left home because of it, he is back now and he swears he didn't and I believe him, he was just so gutted that he was accused, he doesn't drink or smoke or anything.

At the same time, give them too many rules and they rebel.

I think that you have be comfortable with your kids, show them some respect and they will respect you back, give them some leeway(within reason) and they will not want to spoil that.

I think what we hear on the news scares us all with things regarding children and we have to keep our kids informed in that, then again what scares me is the increasing number of people that we would trust with our kids being found guilty of things we don't even want to imagine.

Our children are just that, we have a duty to protect but also a duty to bring them up to become rounded adults and that will never happen if we don't allow them the exposure to the real world(within reason of course), and with our guidance.

Just to add my daughter doesn't wear make up or short skirts at all, she is a bit of a tomboy, so I don't have that worry at the moment!

 

[Cat_Therien]

We have five boys and one girl. They are ages 23 to 16. Our daughter is second to oldest, she is 21. She's very mature for her age and is getting married this summer.

So we missed alot of the problems that teenagers daughters have. She wasn't into makeup, she'd rather draw or paint or make cardboard dollhouses. She wasn't into hanging out, because she had her own playmates (brothers) to boss around. So I can't speak much about girls specifically.

But we DID have similar problems with our oldest son, who wanted a lot of freedom, late nights, go wherever whenever he wanted, etc. It was an uphill battle with him from the time he was about 9 years old.

I would say, keep to your intuition on this. Your "radar" will go off about things, like the makeup and the hanging around town with no purpose. It sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and you just want your daughter to avoid alot of the social issues and pressures that come with growing up too fast.

Kids aren't psychologically developed at 12 years old to behave like an 18 year old. As much as they would desperately want to! And try to convince us otherwise, they think they are more than ready. But we know, from our own experiences. They just don't have the maturity to handle the stress this causes.

She may be upset with you, but it would help if you could talk with some of the other mums of her friends. Find two or three who feel the same way you do, and plan things together for your girls. The movies, ice cream, library, etcetera. That way, your daughter will compare notes with the other girls and realize she's not the only one with a "way overprotective" mum.

And then when she's your age.... she will thank you for it.

Cat

 

[becki x]

Well atm,i do not have a daughter,i have a small son. However i felt i had to add everyone is different,i was one of those who was given an inch and took a country mile. I can never repair the damage and hurt i caused my mum for at least 2 years solid.

I couldn't care less what other parents or children think my son will stay a child as long as i can drag it out,my job is to instill enough confidence in him and teach him that any "friends" who put pressure on him won't be around for very long,his parents will be there always ,no matter what.

I encourage an open ,honest relationship and am proud that he can and does talk to me,atm i am expecting so questions have been asked,i have been honest,whilst diluting the facts. He is a little boy,he does not need to know more his childhood is precious,and i for one will try to preserve that and his innocence for as long as i have control. JMHO

 

[redsadie]

Hi 'Chelle (and everyone else )

Very interesting topic hun and I've read all the replies with great interest.

I have a daughter, she's just turned eight but thinks she's 15! I also have a son who is 15 and I struggled with how much freedom to give him. Even though he's a boy, I still feel they have a lot of the same pressures as girls these days, when to let him go into town. The sexual predators, bullies and gangs don't always just prey on girls, he could get his head kicked in and mobile/money stolen in a heartbeat. How late do I let him out til? Again, the streets are as dangerous for him as they are for girls. Do I let him cycle to his friends house when his friend lives 2 miles away or do I tell him he can't go there but he can go to his other mates who live just along the road?

At the end of the day I decided to chill out. I couldn't change what would happen while he was out and I wasn't there. Of course I can provide damage limitation, so he has his phone, I do let him go into town and have done since he was 13, I do let him go to the cinema (which means travel by a ferry) and have done since he was 13, I do let him cycle to his friend 2 miles away, only in the past 6 months and he has to be in from any of his friend's houses by 8pm weekdays, 9pm weekends. He knows if plans change (as you know they quite often do!), he gives me a quick call or text to let me know. If he was ever in trouble he knows I'll come no matter what and although I will ask questions, I won't rebuke him.

I don't have a problem with him, I think this is partly due to his nature but partly due to the fact I have (despite my own fears and sometimes feeling physically sick) let him make his own path.

My problem will be when my daughter touches this age. She is a very different kettle of fish but I hope I will deal with it in the same way I dealt with my son, and if the boundaries get broken (she pushes her boundaries now) then I will remove priviledges as I do now, although I think the issues then will seem much greater to her.

I don't think 13 is too young to go into town, as long as you are going for a specific purpose and not to just hang around. Make up? I can take or leave it personally and don't wear it on a day to day basis, I think my daughter will more than likely have this attitude but if she did want to wear it, then I would take her to my expert make up friend to give her some lessons on how to wear it, and wear it well! Alcohol? I do drink wine and lager shandy at home, so the kids know that it's nothing glam or something that needs to be experimented with as they have both tasted it and think it's "gross"

I will see how things go with my daughter and make it up as I go along as I'm doing with my son :green:

It is difficult though hun, no-one told us how difficult though huh?!

xx

 

[beautynails]

My daughter is 15 in a couple of weeks. She isn't allowed to go anywhere at night unless I drop her off and pick her up. During the day she can go into town and walk around the shops, but never by herself.
I trust her to do the right thing , but I don't trust other people and kids can make mistakes sometimes too.
Once she went into town with a couple of friends and they let one of the other girls go off with her boyfriend by themselves, I busted them and did my nut. When I pointed out that if he want to go further then she did, she could be at risk, they were very contrite, they just didn't think.
How much freedom to give them is like how is a piece of string...............I let my daughter go pretty much where ever she wants, but there are ALWAYSstrings attached.

 

[jac extreme]

My daughter is now 16 and on my birthday she sent me a beautiful letter listing the reasons why she loves me, one of those was that I gave her bounderies, while other mums where letting their kids do as they please.

she is a well adjusted girl and I am now coming to terms with her having her first serious relationship and as a single parent now I have no partner to bounce things off of.so I continue to set bounderies, whilst giving her freedom.

Its difficult, but we try our best to bring up our children to be civilised, kind, thoughful and well mannered human beings, without crushing their personalities, we are not always going to get it right and all children are different, but thats part of being a parent.

 

[suzie49]

My daughter is now 16 and on my birthday she sent me a beautiful letter listing the reasons why she loves me, one of those was that I gave her bounderies, while other mums where letting their kids do as they please.

she is a well adjusted girl and I am now coming to terms with her having her first serious relationship and as a single parent now I have no partner to bounce things off of.so I continue to set bounderies, whilst giving her freedom.

Its difficult, but we try our best to bring up our children to be civilised, kind, thoughful and well mannered human beings, without crushing their personalities, we are not always going to get it right and all children are different, but thats part of being a parent.

What a fab present to have and keep, whatever anyone does there is no such thing as a perfect parent. So they say. but sounds like you have come pretty close hun...:hug:

 

[Bagpuss]

i asked my daughter why she never complains when i say No to something...she said "because you always tell me why and your mum, you know whats best for me".....:hug:

 

[JANEY K]

snap bagpuss My son is now 19 and he's glad he listened to me and his dad while growing up,the rest of the family on both sides always asked him why he never complained about anything he replied with the answer "because they are my mum and dad and they know whats best for me"

 

[number1kitty]

Hi, like Bagpuss I dont share your views but I respect your opinions and I'm glad you've contributed to the thread. I'm not sure if you've misunderstood me though, I wasnt looking for an answer or questioning my own principles, I just wanted to get a picture of how much independance other people give to their daughters of a similar age, because from what I saw at the cinema on Saturday there are parents out there who give their girls a lot more independance that I give mine. I do agree with you that being too strict can make kids go completely the other way, and like Adele said, with nothing to kick back against there's no need to battle, but I dont think that necessarily means letting them have a level of independance that's inappropriate for their age. I disagree that tough love doesnt work, quite the opposite I think it's essential or you just end up teaching your kids that in order to get what they want, they have to rebel and you will give in to stop them from rebelling. The secret behind getting tough love to work is communication and compromise, ie explain your reasons, make the boundaries clear, and perhaps meet on middle ground where you can (eg no make up, but perhaps allow a little bit on special occasions like a family party).

Yes and sitting down with your child and discussing both your views is treating them as an equal! The same way you would with a partner. The difference being I will always have the upper hand without them knowing.

Treat them with respect and they so the same back. Slam them with No's and it gives them a feeling of imprisonment and that you disrespect their views.

In an Ideal world (and its far from it!) where parents actually take note that they are parents and stop allowing their kids complete free reign to roam the streets at all hours with no clothes on then this wouldnt be an issue, as all teenagers would be in the safety of there own after 8pm and not trying to look like there idols also at 12!

Unfortunetly we have to be more leniant with what we want for our kids because of these parents otherwise it could put our own child in jeopardy!

I remember a 14 year old junior I had work for me a few years back she qwas allowed free reign and she was getting into cars with boys twice her age. Her mum was a nice enough woman and begged me to help her with her daughter as she was given free reign and went off the rails. The only thing she cared about was working for me!

So it does go both ways they parents that give their kids too much freedom lose the control, but the same goes for those that are too strict.

All I would do was to compromise with my kids and give them what they think is the free reign whilst keeping the upper hand. And the minute they break the rules there grounded till there 30!

 

[dilly_doo]

Think you answered your own question!

And I agree that youn kids should not be hanging around till 9/10pm in the dark, and every kid round here seems to live in my house because my kids have their own living room and sky etc so they can hang out without me being in the room, at least then I know they are safe.

My sister is 11 so I understand its not long before shes off all over the place but luckily at the min she prefers to stay at home. She talks to me already about sex cause her mates are all apparently at it. I have told her to do it when she is ready and all the other bunk. I have also told her when she wants to do that I will get her contraception etc.

Even adults get it wrong and we learn from this kids do the same. Theres only so often you can tell them not to touch the fire until the day they so try it and get burnt!!!

My kids have a certain protection though than most families so I know nothing will happen to them but that dosnt mean I dont care nor worry. But I do allow them to think about their decisions and choices and allow them freedom. It dosnt matter sometimes who you are if people want to take your child or do something to a child its beyond a lot of control, so that control is by keeping children locked in. When them kids are allowed out they often lack the ability to see dangerous situations as they havnt had as much info off their parents.

My 17 an 18 year old niece were allowed to do what they wanted in Salford which is notoriously rough. They have both turned out safe and lovely girls.

Several girls I know whom parents locked them up, 2 are pregnant at 14 and ones a smack head!!! The other two (all friends of younger family members) are so far ok, but have come home on a few occasions high or drunk!

So tough love dosnt pay! And of course your kids going to go off with her friends elsewhere its the jigh of it all, but providing she feels she can tell you and you know where she is and its reasonable time I don;t see the problem!

Can i just say that i am from salford and i think its a little out of order for you to say that it is "notoriously rough". Its like anywhere else there are good parts and bad parts. There are worse places in greater manchester than salford, believe me.

 

['chelle]

Can I just add to what Dilly Doo has said above? I agree that in every area, there are good bits and bad bits, hell, I live in Bradford and you dont get much rougher than some of the areas here, yet at the same time there are some extremely affluent areas. Regardless, I dont think you can say "I live in a good area so there's low risk" or vice versa, because in every area there is a hidden element of risk. Sexual predators dont wear dirty macs and hang around rough areas, nor do they wear a big sign to tell people what they are, you have to be aware that these risks can and do occur anywhere. The thing I always ask myself is this: is it really worth risking something as terrible as this happening to your daughter for the sake of not being unpopular or worrying that they might rebel?"

 

[Exquisite Touch]

ive got 3 lads

My eldest is very very easily led, and he will openly admit that he tells me everything cos he is a very bad liar.... for instance he wagged school and was caught by my next door neighbour when she asked him what he was doing he made no excuse he told her he was wagging and and hung his head cos he knew i was on my way to wang him back to school with a flea in his ear (the two others he was waggin it with didnt go back to school)

My kids know I love them to bits and I worry cant help but worry but eldest wants a career in the army all his so called friends hang on street corners and are always in trouble hence why if he is going to someones house fine thats ok but i find large groups of lads/girls intimidating not just me but for other people around. So if he is hanging around on corners I dont let him out. He now choses to stay in because he doesnt want to get in trouble like the others.

My family arent happy that eldest wants to go in the army but the lad is working his butt of to get his dipolma in engineering so he can be a royal engineer and if i dont let him go when he is 16 he will just go when he is 18. Who am I to stand in his way of his dream. He wants to go to military college first (very proud of that as he is not academic at all but he trys and trys hard)

I think bringing up kids nowadays is hard as so many stabbings and shootings happen, I think as mothers we all want the best for our children. What one mother thinks is the best for her child another mother may think that is wrong but we do what we think is right at that time whether it be right or wrong.

All I know is as a mother of 3 very lively lads who are my life and soul, I would rather die than see them hurt or upset. My friends think im an evil mom cos i make them clean up, and cook but to me they are learning life skills. so when they leave the nest they will know how to do the basics my eldest can iron better than me ( army cadets for you)
phew thats my two penneth anyway