TPTW - Do you smack your children?

[lizzie27]

one bad deed i.e. the child being naughty, cant be solved by another i.e. smacking.

the only thing that is learnt by smacking the child, is the fear not to do it again, in fear of getting the same reprocussion! and they will generally forget what they did wrong if smacked all the time!

they should be taught that what they did is wrong and how to act correctly,by communication other than violence, or they learn nothing!

i think that smacking can commonly come from the parents frustration and impatience, rather than what they truelly believe to be parenting skills...

ive seen these parents smacking there children for smacking another child!!!!!!
what could possibly be learnt from this? its a total contradiction! just a power struggle between parent and child!
and they wonder why they do it???

 

[Snugglepuss]

I apologise in advance - I haven't read all the posts on the thread

My 2 penny worth is ........

I have 5 boys ranging from 26 to 6

I have hardly ever had to smack any of them - I always talked to them and tried to make them understand what they are doing wrong and why? HOWEVER no 2 son always had to always go that one yard further and make me smack him on the back of the legs (I used to count to 3 and if he didn't stop then he got a wallop!!!! he's 23 now and comments on why did he push so far????!:lol I would warn him, but he always pushed it and because of that, unfortunately I had to carry out the threat

He soon stopped "playing the game" phew thank goodness!

Children do need to know their boundaries and what will happen if they cross them!

I could go on forever with subject - but just try and remember that littleuns believe in fairness - get that wrong and that child will rebel - honestly !!!

xxx

 

[lizzie27]

I could go on forever with subject - but just try and remember that littleuns believe in fairness - get that wrong and that child will rebel - honestly !!!
xxx

hi, just wondering if you mean rebel from the smacking? or from not being smacked? x

 

[JackieMc]

I'm with the majority here, I don't think the odd smack is a bad thing, but it should never be given in anger. I don't have kids, but I practice my parenting skills on my young nephew when I see him, he's due over here for a week in August, poor thing!

He can be a real bugger with his mum, and my mum, to the point that you could quite happily take him by the throat and shake him, but with me he's an angel. They've always let him get away with murder from an early age, he's 11 now, whereas I've always made sure he behaved when I was around, I've smacked him once, and that was after a warning, he was in the back of the car trying to distract my mum who was driving by kicking the back of her seat, he was showing off in front of his friend, I smacked him, I hardly even made contact because of the awkward angle, but I made a show of him in front of his friend - problem solved.

He tried it on here once too when he was over on holiday, I never had to smack him that time, just sent him to his room after a good telling off, he was good as gold for the rest of the holiday.

My mum has always told me I'm too strict with him, I'm not, except compared to them, he has never been given any boundaries, his mum takes so much and then goes at him in a screaming rage when he goes too far. When they try to smack him he fights back, punching and kicking, and they let him get away with this - it's beyond me.

I know I only see him 'part-time' but for the whole of his life he has been so well-behaved with me (the horrible strict aunt) and loves seeing me. I don't scream and shout at him if he's been bad, but I will punish him and tell him such and such is going to happen because you did such and such. As someone else mentioned earlier, I do believe it is very important to tell the child when they have done good, if you're quick enough to tell them off you should also be quick to praise them too.

I think children need boundaries, they need to learn respect and be disciplined when necessary, if this involves a smack then I'm all for it - I remember my mum smacking me on the back of the legs once, it hurt like hell and I was terrified of ever doing something so bad that she felt like she had to do it again, it was also extremely embarrassing as it was done in front of my friends (I'd been mouthy, trying to be clever in front of them!) and I was dangled by the arm while she gave me a good few whacks with her hand - ouch!

This has been a 'hot topic' in my house (and my nephews house) as yesterday he had his nose broken in class by a boy who has plagued him for the last couple of years. The other boy has been suspended numerous times but the parents are 'well in' with the school so nothing permanent has been done to punish him. He picked on other boys as well as my nephew. The school recommended he have a psychiatric evaluation as his behaviour was so bad, but the parents refused so again, nothing is done. In my day (God, I sound old) we had the threat of the cane if we misbehaved - I was terrified of ever getting the cane (I was a goody two shoes scaredy cat!). These days teachers have virtually no disciplining power at all, so the 'bad' kids who don't get any kind of discipline at home just carry on with their awful (and sometimes bullying) behaviour at school - it's never ending! And so is my post so I'll go now!

And Mike, have you tried a crafty pinch on the underarm? Works wonders too!

Jackie

 

[Peter Pan]

Well I had a think about a "TPT", and I thought this would provide plenty of fuel for debate!

So, do you smack your children? Do you agree with smacking children as a form of punishment? Do you think that it is a hypocritical form of punishment (eg "you smacked your sister so to show you how wrong it is I'm going to smack you) or do you think that many of todays children display such a lack of respect because they havent been smacked by their parents, you know, spare the rod and spoil the child and all that? Also, where, in your opinion, is the line drawn between a harmless form of physical punishment and actual assault or abuse? Of course the law states that any physical contact is assault, but should this be applied to children?

I'll start my with 2 pence worth: I dont disagree with a smack in the right circumstances. With my own kids I use it as a last resort and they are warned first that if they carry on with the bad behaviour they will get a smack, and now they usually dont get that far, the threat of a smack is sufficient. I think this demonstrates something that we should all give to our kids - a healthy respect for authority and fear of reprisal. I dont agree with giving them a right massive clout round the head, for me a smack is a slap on the back of the legs, any more than that is unnecessary.

Go on then, what do you think?

i had a similar debate with me mate - not about smacking but with wife beating - i think its all the same - its the generations, and how they persieved things = belting your wife was ok 30 year ago, you just took it and accepted it - today - its not tollerated - as for smacking kids - when mine were young (they now 30) it was normal to smack a child for misbehaviour - nowadays its unacceptable - i reckon the state of life is going to the dogsss - why not smack a child - it never hurt us when we were young, or taught us that violience was the way to go. young peeps today have far too much to say and too many rights -ie - smack me and ill call the police - when i was a kid - if i thought a policeman was gonna go to my house - i would have crapped myself - kids these days get let off with far too much

sorry if ive gone on a tangent

 

[chic_beauty]

2 warnings, then smack (slap). nothing that bruises! (for my own kids)

(other kids):
I am a qualified childcarer (and doing beauty now). there are other methods you can use too, such as 2 warnings then "time out(for as many minutes as the child is old)" or take toy of them/tv off etc. Just as long as the child knows why they are being punished. It is all in the way you deliver it. You must look upset, and check child knows what he/she did wrong or child will not learn.

the worst thing ppl can do is to threaten and then not go ahead with it!!! Child learns to get away with things.

 

[sj1973]

2 warnings, then smack (slap). nothing that bruises! (for my own kids)

(other kids):
I am a qualified childcarer (and doing beauty now). there are other methods you can use too, such as 2 warnings then "time out(for as many minutes as the child is old)" or take toy of them/tv off etc. Just as long as the child knows why they are being punished. It is all in the way you deliver it. You must look upset, and check child knows what he/she did wrong or child will not learn.

the worst thing ppl can do is to threaten and then not go ahead with it!!! Child learns to get away with things.

Can i just ask...why do you smack your children but not the others ....if you can take the other childrens toys away,no tv,etc...why dont you do that with your own kids...

If the other children are naughty, and you take away a toy,think how your kids feel when you smack them . They might feel second best as they know the other kids dont get smacked.

 

[min11]

In our house when I was young it was my mother who was the smacker. She gets very defensive now when my brother speaks of our childhood as she clearly doesn't see it how we did. I remember being in terror of her as she was a shouter/screamer type with zero tollerance and no temper control. I can still feel the sting on my legs. Many a time, although she denies it, she would loose her temper and end up almost frenzied slapping away. I'm not exactly sure what age it stopped at, I do remember one night in my mid teens hearing her screaming and shouting about me at my Dad and despite his best efforts I had to get out of bed. Sat in the lounge with the arm chair in a corner she came at me with a wedge heel mule. I know from that second onwards I had zero respect, I would never be like that and as soon as I turned 16 I was leaving.

I turned 16 and I did leave.

When I had children myself it turned out Stuart was a smacker and he is very harsh. I remember when each of the boys got to a certain age he started smacking and I thought each time 'thats that then, I guess your fun time is over'. Then one day, he had just started working away and I had 4 kids under the age of 5 in the house. One of the twins was a little toad and he said something. I lost it. The thing is the more I smacked the more he laughed at me and suddenly it was like a light bulb moment. I just stood there and thought 'Oh my God, I'm her!!' I had very rarely done it anyway and only really, in my defence, because with their father having that as the first line of discipline, nothing I threatened worked. I was the soft touch but I realised when I thought about it that Dad never laid a finger on me yet I did what he asked with out question. That moment was a turning point. Stuart and I got into many a row if he did it and eventually he stopped. He's a shouter now like Mum, but at least he never smacks.

I think its a very personal thing, there will be those that admit as a child they were a handful and it was the only thing that would have worked, and there are those who were afraid of their parent/s but aside from teenage hormones kicking in and all that come with it were good. Just like there are parents for who a smack is the last resort or one like mine where it was the first reaction to anything. :hug:

 

[Snugglepuss]

hi, just wondering if you mean rebel from the smacking? or from not being smacked? x

Sorry didn't explain that very well - what I mean is that if you smack a child for something they haven't done, then they will find it very unfair and will rebel against that action - ie they will cry, shout, even perhaps, lash out! If it is something that is an ongoing thing (smacked for something they haven't done) then they will more than likely start to be naughty on purpose - even negative attention for some littleuns is better than none at all.

When I did an introduction to counselling course, one of the things we had to study was a film about a young child who was continually beaten - he said "if I'm naughty, then at least I know my mum will take notice of me, even if she makes me hurt and cry!"

To a child their love for their parent is unconditional - probably until they get to about 12 or 13, then they start to be their own person and decide what they want out of life - they are no longer so reliant on their parents!

Hope that makes sense??? Told you I could go on about this forever!

By the way the above is not only based on education but my own life experiences as well!!!

 

[Snugglepuss]

In our house when I was young it was my mother who was the smacker. She gets very defensive now when my brother speaks of our childhood as she clearly doesn't see it how we did. I remember being in terror of her as she was a shouter/screamer type with zero tollerance and no temper control. I can still feel the sting on my legs. Many a time, although she denies it, she would loose her temper and end up almost frenzied slapping away. I'm not exactly sure what age it stopped at, I do remember one night in my mid teens hearing her screaming and shouting about me at my Dad and despite his best efforts I had to get out of bed. Sat in the lounge with the arm chair in a corner she came at me with a wedge heel mule. I know from that second onwards I had zero respect, I would never be like that and as soon as I turned 16 I was leaving.

I turned 16 and I did leave.

Min I can totally empathise with the above - my mum was exactly the same - one night she hit me for the "last time" and I ran away at the age of sixteen and never went back!

Even now she has a violent streak in her - she threw her walking stick at my 92 year old great aunty! There's more but - no pint going on about it! Just to say that there is a huge difference between a beating and an occasional smack at the back of the legs!