End of marriage

[HelenT59]

It doesn't sound like a one-off . The OP uses the word "always".

It doesn't really matter what we our general views on marriage problems are. It sounds like there is a real risk involved here; once a line is stepped over there may be escalation.

Some great practical advice from knowledgeable geeks; I truly hope it all works out.

Exactly ...there is real risk involved. OP that is posting is at risk. Husband is placing her at risk. His view is not required here.

 

[Trinity]

Is it not a one off then?

Maybe I should step out of the ring at this point as I very rarely believe these posts are all one sided. It would be interesting to read the thoughts from the husband. Obviously I hope the OP is safe and can find a resolution to her problems.

You are absolutely right about two sides to every story - his, hers and the truth. Whilst 'one off' indicents may happen and many many people have them and move on, often it's the beginning of escalating behaviour.

Whilst the Husband sounds as unhappy as Rockinthe80's there is absolutely no excuse for kicking in bathroom doors, flicking pieces of paper in someone face, holding someone down by their throat, etc. no matter how depressed, unhappy, frustrated, whatever you may be.

That is abusive, and if he was any kind of adult he would be finding ways of expressing his unhappiness in a mature and 'hands off' manner.

The whole subject of domestic abuse is so sensitive with many views and opinions on what is and what isn't abuse, however one thing is true, if someone asks for help or support then they've reached their own conclusion and hopefully this will be the catalyst for change either together or apart.

 

[jadecoral]

Get out of this while you can. Hate it when I hear stories like this x

 

[virtues2011]

You are absolutely right about two sides to every story - his, hers and the truth. Whilst 'one off' indicents may happen and many many people have them and move on, often it's the beginning of escalating behaviour.

Whilst the Husband sounds as unhappy as Rockinthe80's there is absolutely no excuse for kicking in bathroom doors, flicking pieces of paper in someone face, holding someone down by their throat, etc. no matter how depressed, unhappy, frustrated, whatever you may be.

That is abusive, and if he was any kind of adult he would be finding ways of expressing his unhappiness in a mature and 'hands off' manner.

The whole subject of domestic abuse is so sensitive with many views and opinions on what is and what isn't abuse, however one thing is true, if someone asks for help or support then they've reached their own conclusion and hopefully this will be the catalyst for change either together or apart.

Trinity, I stand away from this thread because I can not comprehend if you are that unhappy and 'always' get beaten (so others seem to think, however I found the word 'always' in two sentences neither about 'always' being beaten - and one of the 'always' has since been removed!) why you would sit on what is a 'professional forum' and tell the world but can't pick up the phone and call for help, and don't tell me it can't be done, and it's not easy, most people don't want to change because in most cases '....but I love him' is more to the point. I get tired of the ' Poor Me' scenarios and 'I'm to frightened' Do something about it apart from making people take pity on you. Why does there have to be a full 35 pages of what is right and wrong and who disagrees with who on this thread.

So then who exactly is going to help 'put up' this geek so she can get away from always being beaten? Anyone? Maybe a few virtual hugs will sort it out then.

I should never have got involved with this thread, my fault entirely. I will accept the comments from anyone who wishes to tell me I have a bad attitude, I'm selfish, I'm rude, I'm sarcastic. The word 'wow' or 'dear me'.


Sent from my GT-N7100 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[Trinity]

Trinity, I stand away from this thread because I can not comprehend if you are that unhappy and 'always' get beaten (so others seem to think, however I found the word 'always' in two sentences neither about 'always' being beaten - and one of the 'always' has since been removed!) why you would sit on what is a 'professional forum' and tell the world but can't pick up the phone and call for help, and don't tell me it can't be done, and it's not easy, most people don't want to change because in most cases '....but I love him' is more to the point. I get tired of the ' Poor Me' scenarios and 'I'm to frightened' Do something about it apart from making people take pity on you. Why does there have to be a full 35 pages of what is right and wrong and who disagrees with who on this thread.

So then who exactly is going to help 'put up' this geek so she can get away from always being beaten? Anyone? Maybe a few virtual hugs will sort it out then.

I should never have got involved with this thread, my fault entirely. I will accept the comments from anyone who wishes to tell me I have a bad attitude, I'm selfish, I'm rude, I'm sarcastic. The word 'wow' or 'dear me'.


Sent from my GT-N7100 using SalonGeek mobile app

Blimey virtues, I certainly hope no-one calls you rude or selfish or sarcastic for having a view and discussing it maturely and competently :irked:

You're right, a few virtual hugs and screen sympathy won't solve the problems, but clear level headed advice given by people who have no emotional attachment can often pierce through the clouds of doubt/fear/confusion/whatever.

I think it's often easier to talk to people on the internet about your issues or fears as none of it is face to face. You can say (type) out loud that you want to leave and you're unhappy because there are no consequences but actually saying it to the person involved can be hard for any number of reasons. Quite often it's because they don't want to admit it out loud either to themselves or anyone else.

But if I was in need of a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board to vent to, I'd hope that someone, somewhere would listen and empathise if they could. I might not make the changes they want today but who knows I might find the strength tomorrow.

I'd rather take 5 minutes of my day and offer advice when it's asked for than ignore someone and find they spiralled into a worse situation. That said, I don't infinite patience :o, far far from it :irked:

 

[virtues2011]

Blimey virtues, I certainly hope no-one calls you rude or selfish or sarcastic for having a view and discussing it maturely and competently :irked:

You're right, a few virtual hugs and screen sympathy won't solve the problems, but clear level headed advice given by people who have no emotional attachment can often pierce through the clouds of doubt/fear/confusion/whatever.

I think it's often easier to talk to people on the internet about your issues or fears as none of it is face to face. You can say (type) out loud that you want to leave and you're unhappy because there are no consequences but actually saying it to the person involved can be hard for any number of reasons. Quite often it's because they don't want to admit it out loud either to themselves or anyone else.

But if I was in need of a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board to vent to, I'd hope that someone, somewhere would listen and empathise if they could. I might not make the changes they want today but who knows I might find the strength tomorrow.

I'd rather take 5 minutes of my day and offer advice when it's asked for than ignore someone and find they spiralled into a worse situation. That said, I don't infinite patience :o, far far from it :irked:

Point taken Trinity, you are very caring, thoughtful, understanding and helpful Geek. x

 

[Trinity]

Point taken Trinity, you are very caring, thoughtful, understanding and helpful Geek. x

Pahahaha!!! Not to some I assure you :o

 

[Rockinthe80s]

Sorry couldn't get back onto Salongeek yesterday. My phone wouldn't charge properly because my husband had thrown it. Have got a temporary one now.

If anyone was to read my husbands side of the story, they'd probably laugh out loud at him because the stuff he comes out with is so ridiculous! Although he starts an argument several times a day, I may react to one or two of his tantrums and yes I don't always react well, but apparently I'm to blame because of my reactions. So because I may shout and swear after he's put me down a few times, I deserve wht I got according to him. He can wind me up as much as I like, but how dare I pipe up or stick up for
Myself, I'm such a b****h!

Just to clarify.. He doesn't beat me as such. He does what I described above and yes, this was not a one off. Its happened lots of times. The last time was two weeks ago.

He doesn't want to leave me. I do talk to him. I have asked him time and time again, what the problem is, why he acts so unhappy. There is no answer, apart from his mum, who's said he's always been moody and snappy. He just hid it well before we got married. He talks to his mother, father and myself in a derogatory manner, whilst he's as sweet as pie to everyone else! We are the ones hes completely himself around. I've told him I'll go, he says that if he can't have me, no one else can, he will never love anyone else, he's not unhappy blah blah.

If I ever want to leave the house in middle of an argument, he hides my keys, my purse, either pushes me around so I can't leave or pushes me out of the house late at night, without money, keys or shoes.

Last night, usual routine.. Apologising profoundly and sobbing away, all whilst still adamant that it was all my fault. But doesn't want me to leave him, although I hadn't actually said anything about that.

As for me removing the word 'always'.i don't remember doing this at all. Maybe I edited a sentence or something, but if wasn't intentional.

He ALWAYS puts me down verbally and talks to me in an aggressive manner for no apparent reason.

I wasn't here looking for pity, just to get it off my chest, as I didn't feel comfortable talking to my family or friends. I know what I need to do, I just need time to sort it out as I can't jus leave! The only place I can go is my mums and I have my reasons for not wanting to stay with her. So I have been thinking going away for a week, mostly to sort my head and think about what to do next and where to move to.

 

[virtues2011]

Sorry couldn't get back onto Salongeek yesterday. My phone wouldn't charge properly because my husband had thrown it. Have got a temporary one now.

If anyone was to read my husbands side of the story, they'd probably laugh out loud at him because the stuff he comes out with is so ridiculous! Although he starts an argument several times a day, I may react to one or two of his tantrums and yes I don't always react well, but apparently I'm to blame because of my reactions. So because I may shout and swear after he's put me down a few times, I deserve wht I got according to him. He can wind me up as much as I like, but how dare I pipe up or stick up for
Myself, I'm such a b****h!

Just to clarify.. He doesn't beat me as such. He does what I described above and yes, this was not a one off. Its happened lots of times. The last time was two weeks ago.

He doesn't want to leave me. I do talk to him. I have asked him time and time again, what the problem is, why he acts so unhappy. There is no answer, apart from his mum, who's said he's always been moody and snappy. He just hid it well before we got married. He talks to his mother, father and myself in a derogatory manner, whilst he's as sweet as pie to everyone else! We are the ones hes completely himself around. I've told him I'll go, he says that if he can't have me, no one else can, he will never love anyone else, he's not unhappy blah blah.

If I ever want to leave the house in middle of an argument, he hides my keys, my purse, either pushes me around so I can't leave or pushes me out of the house late at night, without money, keys or shoes.

Last night, usual routine.. Apologising profoundly and sobbing away, all whilst still adamant that it was all my fault. But doesn't want me to leave him, although I hadn't actually said anything about that.

As for me removing the word 'always'.i don't remember doing this at all. Maybe I edited a sentence or something, but if wasn't intentional.

He ALWAYS puts me down verbally and talks to me in an aggressive manner for no apparent reason.

I wasn't here looking for pity, just to get it off my chest, as I didn't feel comfortable talking to my family or friends. I know what I need to do, I just need time to sort it out as I can't jus leave! The only place I can go is my mums and I have my reasons for not wanting to stay with her. So I have been thinking going away for a week, mostly to sort my head and think about what to do next and where to move to.

I hope you get it sorted quickly and as painlessly as possible.

 

[Mobile Manicure]

If you're going to go away for a week, I wouldn't tell him until you've gone. He will stop you from going. Just go while he's at work and text him when you've left to say you need time to think, you've gone away (don't tell him where) and you'll be back next Saturday or whatever. Then turn your phone off and think.

 

[Rockinthe80s]

I have a slightly different thought process to this thread.

Take the violence part out for a minute if you would.

Your husband sounds as equally miserable as you do. Maybe he doesn't want to come home to you but has no way of telling you how he feels. I'm reading between the lines on your post a little and I don't believe it is all one sided, it rarely is. I don't see anywhere in your post about talking or asking why your husband is so unhappy. Maybe nether of you talk to each other, only you know your relationship but some of the things I have picked up on is your depression and anxiety, these are very hard to disguise all of the time - you feeling tortured by his families lack of effort with you..what did you want from them? Acceptance? why? - I know very few people that worry about their other halves family.

I think you both have issues that need addressing, why don't you try and both go to relate if you are serious about saving your relationship?...if he doesn't want to go then you have tried the best you can, if you don't love him anymore then there is nothing to go for (the same applies to him) as for the fight....reading your post it was a one off, no excuses for violence...although I once threw a can of tinned tomatoes at my then boyfriends head in the middle of a row, knocked him clean on the floor, then I chased him into the bathroom with a butter knife while he swung me around like a ragdoll by my hair! And the police were called.!.....We got over it and laughed about it for a very long time.

I don't Need acceptance from his family, they don't bother with me and I can't be bothered to be around people like that. But, it was making my husband unhappy so I made the effort with these peop because of him and it tortures me because I have anxiety. So I get anxious in a normal situation, let alone one where I have to be around people that appear not like me.

In turn, I find this torturous. I don't care if they don't accept me, as long as I don't have to be around the miserable sods!

 

[ch-ela]

You have had some really good advice here from others. I'm not certain that going away right now is a good thing to do, will it escalate things for the worst? Can you get in touch with anyone that will help you to know what steps that you need to take to protect yourself?
My (ex) husband became abusive when I told him that I was leaving him, to the point where it became physical. I had to live with him for 2 months before I could move out with the children and it got worse because I was constantly a red rag to him, even just my presence. If I had to do it again, I would have everything in place before I moved.
I know how difficult it is to talk to people in real life about what happens.

I would urge you to have things in place beforehand, if you can.

Could you tell him that you are going on a nail course somewhere for a couple of days?

 

[Steph86]

Ive PM'd you, but in this instance, I would spend the week you'd like to go away at home planning how to leave & sorting arrangements.

Going away for a week will probably infuriate him more, who knows what you will come home to. Or he will be full of regret... until he does it again & he will.

You have let him get away with treating you like this, so he will continue to, & it will only get worse. I am speaking from experience (as you will see in my PM) its not easy & its not great to admit to family and friends what has been going on... I felt like an idiot. But they will keep you sane & safe.

These guys manipulate & control you, the throwing your phone is a prime example, that is your point of contact with the world outside of him. I must have had a new phone & number at least once a month.

Its your life, but you deserve better. Id hate to see you waste it with him, or worse still he takes it a step too far.

Xx

 

[Rockinthe80s]

I wanted to get away for a week, I feel trapped almost here. I don't even want to speak to him right now. But, I think you're all right, this time would be better spent at home planning my move. Hes out at work all day.

Thank you so much for all the lovely advice I have received here. You have been really kind and supportive xx

 

[HelenT59]

I wanted to get away for a week, I feel trapped almost here. I don't even want to speak to him right now. But, I think you're all right, this time would be better spent at home planning my move. Hes out at work all day.

Thank you so much for all the lovely advice I have received here. You have been really kind and supportive xx

I really hope things work out for you but please contact a local women's aid agency. I know you are saying he doesn't beat you but what you describe is most definitely domestic abuse. It goes in a cycle and what you have talked about is definitely a cycle of violence. If you get support from such agencies they will assist you to move safely. He does not need to know. All the very best

 

[lydia c]

I can relate to you about the family thing ! Trust me on that ! We love to hate sort of well polite to mother in laws face !
As for his behaviour like others have said my mum was and is in a relationship like this ! She has beaten so badly in the past by my stepdad it started off shoving then got worse as he got away with it !
My mum isn't happy and is "stuck" with him she won't get rid and always makes excuses for him !
Of your unhappy go you deserve to be happy and I really don't want to be rude but if you stay with him your life is going to be miserable .
You seem like a lovely person from what I have read and was shocked reading the first post .
Stay strong and put yourself first ! Xxxxx