Personal life advice difficulties

[virtues2011]

It is strange. N thanks for sharing your story. My partner is lovely if we were on the same page about children n he opened up more i think id b quite happy its just taken over my life for 6 yrs n i cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. Wish i could wave a magic wand n make things ok. I dont want to throw the last 8 yrs away. But I do want some say in my future which with infertility has been taken away.

Hope x

Magic wands would be great, if they existed....

Definitely the letter approach, I think that is a great idea to get everything off your chest with little confrontation to begin with....and then the counselling. Eight years is a long time, but sixteen years is even longer. x

 

[KHS]

I didn't want to just read n run, sadly I can't offer you the answers either.

Something to consider tho.. (Not that you need anything else to think about )

Do you see your ex as a gate way to to a family of your own? Or just for for fact he makes you smile and feel alive all over again?

Has your husband shut down due to the fact he's given up on the idea to protect himself for hurting? Or just can't be assed anymore?

As many have said, you are a long time dead - follow your heart and gut instinct, life is far to short to spend it unhappy

Big hugs - you will ways end up where you're meant to be, sometimes it's the long way round but eventually it will be the right place X

 

[Hope241]

Yes i will go down the letter route. Let him think rather than respond with an automatic defence. Hopefully he will see my point better. Its hard when he doesnt open up id like to think if he loved me he'd b open to adoption or something as he has seen how much it has ment to me. Although he wasnt the most supportive when having ivf he didnt attend every appointment just the ones he had to. Told me how he hated having to do the deed in a pot whilst nurses were waiting all whilst i had my legs in stirrups n a tube placed in my womb with 3-4 nurses in the room. Plus the pain of egg collection. uncomfortable internal scans. Not to mention injecting myself. N all the other lovely things id had to do.

Hope x

 

[Nearlyme]

All I am saying is ditch the ex. Tell him that you are married and that it was a mistake. Tell him to not contact you again.
Then sit down with your husband and lay it all out on the table. Tell him that if he can't see the importance of a child to you then you can't see a future.
He probably feels incredibly emasculated, in my opinion donar eggs would be easier for a woman to accept as you still have 9 months of growing the baby but for a man it would be like he played no part. (Not to all but to some).

Your continued flirting with your ex is in my opinion a bit cruel. I am not saying I can't see your perspective or see why you are so tempted. But the grass is usually only greener on the other side because it has been fertilised with Bull $hit. Trust me. I have been contacted by exes who declare their undying love but I bet you £100 that if you were single then they would be nowhere to be seen.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[Hope241]

I didn't want to just read n run, sadly I can't offer you the answers either.

Something to consider tho.. (Not that you need anything else to think about )

Do you see your ex as a gate way to to a family of your own? Or just for for fact he makes you smile and feel alive all over again?

Has your husband shut down due to the fact he's given up on the idea to protect himself for hurting? Or just can't be assed anymore?

As many have said, you are a long time dead - follow your heart and gut instinct, life is far to short to spend it unhappy

Big hugs - you will ways end up where you're meant to be, sometimes it's the long way round but eventually it will be the right place X

Thanks for replying.
I guess i see my ex as both of those things the attention his openness n how much he says he loves me does make me smile but i am having a tough time to boot. n then there is the fact if it would also be a route to a family added.

My partner sees it as we tried n it didnt work lets move on. But move on to what? Working everyday as i am now til im 65. My partner is 7 yrs older to. If i was 7 yrs older i mite feel the same but im not i still have those yrs to come.
N im not saying i wouldnt work if i had a child lol but i just mean if i dont my life would b the same as it is now for a long time.

Hope x

 

[virtues2011]

Yes i will go down the letter route. Let him think rather than respond with an automatic defence. Hopefully he will see my point better. Its hard when he doesnt open up id like to think if he loved me he'd b open to adoption or something as he has seen how much it has ment to me. Although he wasnt the most supportive when having ivf he didnt attend every appointment just the ones he had to. Told me how he hated having to do the deed in a pot whilst nurses were waiting all whilst i had my legs in stirrups n a tube placed in my womb with 3-4 nurses in the room. Plus the pain of egg collection. uncomfortable internal scans. Not to mention injecting myself. N all the other lovely things id had to do.

Hope x

That in itself is stressful for both of you. I couldn't imagine.

Are you actually married?

 

[Hope241]

All I am saying is ditch the ex. Tell him that you are married and that it was a mistake. Tell him to not contact you again.
Then sit down with your husband and lay it all out on the table. Tell him that if he can't see the importance of a child to you then you can't see a future.
He probably feels incredibly emasculated, in my opinion donar eggs would be easier for a woman to accept as you still have 9 months of growing the baby but for a man it would be like he played no part. (Not to all but to some).

Your continued flirting with your ex is in my opinion a bit cruel. I am not saying I can't see your perspective or see why you are so tempted. But the grass is usually only greener on the other side because it has been fertilised with Bull $hit. Trust me. I have been contacted by exes who declare their undying love but I bet you £100 that if you were single then they would be nowhere to be seen.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using SalonGeek mobile app

Yes it is. N i know it is easy to take for granted what ive got whilst ive still got it. N yes ive been messaged by exs on facebook in the past it just feels different with us having such a long history it does seem sincere. Regarless it doesnt help my current situation i understand that.

Hope x

 

[Hope241]

That in itself is stressful for both of you. I couldn't imagine.

Are you actually married?

It was n we did it all twice. The last time r appointment was 30 mins late n he decided in a mood that he wasnt 'doing this again' that was 2 yrs ago in a couple of months.

No we aren't married. Nor engaged.

Hope x

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I've been following this thread and have my own opinions in the matter which aren't helpful as I'm not you and can't really see the whole picture.

Anyway, just wanted to say that the letter route is the best way forward. I had a situation in my life where I had to do this and it was completely life changing. I didn't get the response I was expecting but the response I did get really put things into perspective and if I hadn't written that letter, I probably would have had a very miserable life.

Good luck!

 

[virtues2011]

It was n we did it all twice. The last time r appointment was 30 mins late n he decided in a mood that he wasnt 'doing this again' that was 2 yrs ago in a couple of months.

No we aren't married. Nor engaged.

Hope x

You must live together? do you have a mortgage that you share? Has nothing been mentioned or progressed for two years since the IVF about the child situation?

 

[Hope241]

I've been following this thread and have my own opinions in the matter which aren't helpful as I'm not you and can't really see the whole picture.

Anyway, just wanted to say that the letter route is the best way forward. I had a situation in my life where I had to do this and it was completely life changing. I didn't get the response I was expecting but the response I did get really put things into perspective and if I hadn't written that letter, I probably would have had a very miserable life.

Good luck!

Im open to hearing everyones views. I dont mind if they r honest as long as they arent calling me a cow n it can b seen as helpful advice.

Yes im happy with writing a letter. I do think it is the best way to let my partner digest what I have to say.

Hope x

 

[tonicj]

I too have been following this thread and also agree that writing a letter would be a good idea. You sound very confused to me and there would appear to be a lot of pressure in the relationship and that in itself would strain the very best of relationships! I feel that you need a little time out, but not sure if this is an option for you. I hope you can sort things out xx

 

[Mobile Manicure]

Im open to hearing everyones views. I dont mind if they r honest as long as they arent calling me a cow n it can b seen as helpful advice.

Yes im happy with writing a letter. I do think it is the best way to let my partner digest what I have to say.

Hope x

You need to stop blaming yourself. You are not a cow. I really feel for you. I hope you work it out. Hopefully the advice you've already received on this thread can help you decide the next step.

 

[Kristalinx]

From what you have said maybe your partner is blaming himself a lot for your inability to have a child. This could be why he's not wanting to discuss the subject, he might feel that he has let you down in not being able to provide you with a baby and this is worsened by talks of donors. Men don't find talking about their emotions as easy as women. I agree with the letter writing but I wouldn't insist upon a reply with in a time frame. He'll know from you taking the trouble to write that it's something you need to discuss. He may even want to write his reply down too.

 

[Hope241]

You must live together? do you have a mortgage that you share? Has nothing been mentioned or progressed for two years since the IVF about the child situation?

He owns his house i rent mine. He had a house n money b4 we started dating. I didnt. He sold his house n live with me for 6 yrs. in that time he bought a house to do up n sell after a few rows he lives in his n i live in mine. He lives to far for my business to work without relocating it from a nice part where i can charge a fairly decent amount to where id have to lower my prices. N i like having my own space n not washing cleaning up after someone now he has to do all that for me when i go there at weekends fri til mon n occasionally a night in the week depending on work. He has had no money as he cant sell his house so he had used that excuse for the last 2 yrs. which i know he hasnt had any but it doesnt stop us planning what we could do when we do have money. I expect to pay for half like I did last time.
We had to wait around 18 months to have ivf nhs funded our first go when he had his house money sat in the bank. I was very aware at the time that i had no savings to put towards treatment so didnt feel like i could tell him he could pay n save us waiting so long. Now i would. If he had it.

Hope x

 

[virtues2011]

He owns his house i rent mine. He had a house n money b4 we started dating. I didnt. He sold his house n live with me for 6 yrs. in that time he bought a house to do up n sell after a few rows he lives in his n i live in mine. He lives to far for my business to work without relocating it from a nice part where i can charge a fairly decent amount to where id have to lower my prices. N i like having my own space n not washing cleaning up after someone now he has to do all that for me when i go there at weekends fri til mon n occasionally a night in the week depending on work. He has had no money as he cant sell his house so he had used that excuse for the last 2 yrs. which i know he hasnt had any but it doesnt stop us planning what we could do when we do have money. I expect to pay for half like I did last time.
We had to wait around 18 months to have ivf nhs funded our first go when he had his house money sat in the bank. I was very aware at the time that i had no savings to put towards treatment so didnt feel like i could tell him he could pay n save us waiting so long. Now i would. If he had it.

Hope x

It sounds all very disjointed to me to be honest BUT saying that it's only what I am reading and clearly you know your partner. I know there are many couples that live this way and are extremely happy and fulfilled. If you really feel that strongly about saving your relationship as far as you can, I wish you the best of luck, but if the letter doesn't work I would really consider making some changes for the better. Would be good to know what happens. I'll leave you here. x

 

[Hope241]

It sounds all very disjointed to me to be honest BUT saying that it's only what I am reading and clearly you know your partner. I know there are many couples that live this way and are extremely happy and fulfilled. If you really feel that strongly about saving your relationship as far as you can, I wish you the best of luck, but if the letter doesn't work I would really consider making some changes for the better. Would be good to know what happens. I'll leave you here. x

It is. But it oddly works better for us think we spent so much time together in a small house we got under each others feet. I was doing everything now the shoe is on the other foot. N he appreciates what i use to do.

Thank you for your comments.

Hope x

 

[essentia]

If you read back all that you written what would you advise someone? You are not even living together in a harmonious way - so why is a child even factoring in this? I do not think you are a cow at all but I think you should be honest with yourself. I sometimes think life shows us an alternative - hence the ex boyfriend. It may not be him you end up with but I suspect you would be happier if you started putting your energy in attracting the relationship you could feel happy about. I think the counselling mentioned is a great idea. I would not push any IVF/adoption until you really are clear about your direction and know that this is the right path for you.

 

[Hope241]

If you read back all that you written what would you advise someone? You are not even living together in a harmonious way - so why is a child even factoring in this? I do not think you are a cow at all but I think you should be honest with yourself. I sometimes think life shows us an alternative - hence the ex boyfriend. It may not be him you end up with but I suspect you would be happier if you started putting your energy in attracting the relationship you could feel happy about. I think the counselling mentioned is a great idea. I would not push any IVF/adoption until you really are clear about your direction and know that this is the right path for you.

I think as we have lived together but without him appreciating much n now he realises as he makes a big deal when he cleans up changes the bed n so on i just give him a look n he says yes i know u use to do it all. with my business it makes it more complicated as i dont want to relocate n start from scratch. So partly my fault. As an outsider i guess id say cut your losses but thats without feelings involved. I have waves of emotions this weekend spending time together was good which makes me feel guilty. Then i panic about the future. Then it starts all over again.

I dont think i can win which ever way i go i give up on something i love or want unless he gives in. Life is a minefield.

Thank you for all taking the time to hear my worries.

Hope x

 

[ch-ela]

Hi Hope,
Although I think that you have had great advice I would also like to add a few words.
My former neighbours were married for a long time and I met them when she was 43 and he was 38. He never wanted children, she did but wanted to stay with him so she made that compromise. 4 years later they split up (his choice, but I always believe that both are responsible when a relationship breaks up) and got divorced. He met a 30 year old and went on to have a child with her. At 47, she had left it too late to have a child. She is very bitter today and cannot move on from it.
I was married and had two children. I wasn’t happy but thought that I just needed to get on with it, I had made my bed and now had to lie in it. I suffered from depression, and my doctor advised that I change things in my life that were making me unhappy, but I didn’t know how. After about ten years, I took on a part time job in the evenings. I fell for someone at work. I had buried all of these feelings and emotions and this brought them all back to the surface. I felt alive for the first time in years. I didn’t act on it but I know that he would have been keen. My marriage vows were sacred to me, there was no way that I would have been unfaithful.
I believe that things are sent to us to test us and to give us a message. I didn’t want to be with this new man, but I realised that I didn’t want to be with my husband either. I think he was sent to me to show me that I wasn’t too old to have a better life and that I didn’t need to just stay with my husband in this cold marriage, for the sake of the children or my vows.
6 months later I left my husband, a year after that I met my now partner and we have been together 10 years this year. My ex-husband is also happy in a new relationship and she suits him much better than I ever did.
The fact that your ex has come back into your life at this point, is to show you that you are not happy where you are and need to make changes. Of course he looks attractive to you, and he might well be the one, but I think you need to finish what you have first before you take on something/someone else.
I think that both you and your partner are going through a really stressful time in your lives, it’s not easy for either of you and I feel for you both. I cannot imagine what having to go through IVF means, but I do know it takes a lot of strength from both partners. It sounds like he needs a bit of a rest from it.
Best wishes